confession and love
I would like to make a confession.
I lied a lot and cheated many times against what I was supposed to do
I think I felt something like this or bad events regarding my love life are coming to my way last year and feared and got panicked and did so many desperate things. It was all because of my insecurity. I am the one who was lacking love in life growing up having nightmare about falling, no one helping me many nights as growing up. The bad dream from childhood eventually disappeared,but I always wanted someone who know how to love me so passionately,and think I thought I found one and believed he would never let my hand go,but there is no such a thing as "never" though there was many obstacles,and I know he really tried to be with me,wanted to be with me and I was really happy,he was really happy,but got insecure as time went on because I know it was so much love and I didn't know what to do.
I am the one who was insecure being and I cheated a lot out of fear,mistrust in people
When I had revelation, it was to destroy Christianity.(and I didn't even understand what Christianity really is) And I cheated the word out of guilt for destruction and to justify my journey finding true love,So I cheated word,"destroy" to "change" because I loved the love story But I had no right to put my opinion into it. I was arrogant and a cheater.
Another thing is when I was alone home last summer, I saw some trouble coming and to escape from the responsibilities,I escaped, and one thing I did, didn't work, and I acted crazy because,yet I was so scared of whats coming from the CL ,and believed no one would help me.,and I was so insecure about vision I was getting and my solution to save myself was acted out crazy woman and believed friends who know me would understand somehow,but no they didn't.And I actually was sick.
And thats when the person I loved started to be seemed to have much richer person than I first envisioned,too,but never come to help me,and it was so shocking to me.
When I met the guy, we had very expensive lunch and told me about many luxury stuff in mails and talk in such . As much as he talked about financial problem, I felt not much desperate feeling either, and was a little strange,but I sort of felt didn't want to know because it was obvious that he did not like someone who cares money, and if I said I like him, he probably would think of me as a person after the money however amount he got. Having two houses sounded very rich to me.
I am a woman, of course a rich man is attractive. but my husband was a man who had a lot of access to cash money,but he did not like spending on me or on us as a couple,all I got was a little money and could not ask more for it. He wanted to spend it with his more needy friends because we were well taken cared of supposedly. So I felt trouble and sensitivity in that matter talking with the guy. I loved him like we are connected at soul. Whenever I "felt" something good behind, he was behind of me smiling, and so many coincidence let me feel where he is at or how he is feeling. It was weirdest thing. I felt his emotion, misery and happiness like its my own being so away from him.
So when I felt the guy might like me,it felt so good. He paid my lunch and bought me lunch and again and again did not ask me to do anything other than to wait a little by a little. he was married and told me its OK for me to stay married,so I thought if it meant to,it would work out,if not its just wont,..I was going to be his friends,and I really tried to be but I made mistake kissing the guy and I fell. And still haven't got out of it. I know its stupid.
He might be hating me for the mistake I made.Fact is I tried to get out of it before I cause him a problem,and every time I tried I got myself more into problem,so I am just looking for the answer for what he wants.
The truth is I really didn't know who I am,there are many things that is still not sure, and not sure about him neither. The revelation was , "Rock'n Roll Jesus"
I want to know how I have to live from now on. When I thought my love might be you,it was shocking but thought he did it all for me.for my sake. But it was just because all I got was good stuff out of this experience meeting you.
When I went to Japan, everybody was so nice to one crazy woman who had an affair with a married man, and got all myself guilt trapped on my own,but weird things kept happening and all I could hope for was coming back to here, and wake up from the nightmare. Whatever I felt in my house, I felt color of the person I love and that was only encouragement and good thing in those days to survive the time although I cried a lot just missing him,so hard that thought about giving up living, giving up loving him as they want me to,. Anyway It was hardest time I ever experienced. I never been religious,although I told him that I believe god,but if I have to choose religion,it probably a Buddhism just like my parents believe,because in America,no religion means Atheist and it sounded bad,so ..
The fact was he was my hope and reason to survive and did not care much else.
and learned that I thought I had so much to lose. I used to think I had nothing comparing to the guy. I thought,nobody to count on. And I thought everything was all gift from him.No one ever said a word about it
Well, they were right I was crazy,too crazy losing myself before love for a guy. Yet everybody convinced me such person did not exist,and convinced me that I was played for fun by a happily married man, and made me believe family is priority and he would never leave the family for someone like me.
But I wanted to be happy I wanted to believe he was real. That was why I refused to stay living insane but irresponsible,just because I am not responsible for all this happened.
life with no dream?,I said no thanks and that was why I choose to trust my heart and stopped my medication because the person I loved hated such medication,so.
All I was supposed to do was trust and follow through,but I was so weak and insecure to do what I was supposed to do. I feel so sorry.
I think my weakness is all to blame causing such problems to many
I was very angry at one moment and now I feel that gods may be angry with me being arrogant. So I am praying,asking gods for more chances
I am sorry to cause you so much trouble.Sorry to cry again today.
I hope you have some room in your heart to forgive me.forgive my insanity please
love,
