Wake Up call

I tend to be all or nothing  when engaging particular activity. More  I care, the tendency seems to get exaggerated.  Having perfectly calm peaceful day, made me realized something I used to love and adore without any doubt without any fear or worry.  Felt such appreciation and wanted to apologize that it took so long for me  to realize something simple as a t long.  I really am very  lucky woman just being able to be here and breathing. It was my realization today having a small Wake Up call of my own.


I have been bitter and my days were filled with resentment and honestly still do feel  some fear about things regarding Japan a little, but I am better today.
 If and when country of Japan realizes their mistake and started making changes by  waking self up, I wish many countries and people support the effort and its recovery.( I could not say that before  honestly and it is still a little hard for me to say,but here is my effort )
After all,everyone makes  some kind of mistake in life.

If anyone seeks support to be better, I  hope I could be the one to offer that support myself someday,too.
I was so hurt that I started even doubting best thing happened in my life even.  What I want is to  live life,to share good things about life with people I love and I care.  Please forgive my bitter expressions which could have been better and gentle if I were more mature and thoughtful.





thank you so much for putting up with me, keep supporting, helping me

Christianity decision

Christianity decision


First of all, I would like to tell you that conscious decision is very important.  After learning the answer, keep making same mistake were to be part of Christianity core, please don't expect anything out of me.

I realized that my only conscious decision was to trust my friends.   I believed they are on my side.  And the next conscious decision was to change "destroy" Christianity to "change" the Christianity  Major  conscious and unconscious decision,I made was    to help a guy. It really was a beginning of my Christianity journey.
He  was in life  big trouble and pain, being so torn and  hurt by the news of accident of family, my intuition  wasn't that sharp in  2007,  yet I saw his family and or friends tricked him into legal marriage in order to save one  family, and infant life he claimed it was his, I decided to stay in his life when, in case  he needs help especially when  he find out the baby might not be his.  I tried to get out of the relationship many times,yet it was such  tag of war every time I attempted to be out.  It was because happened to be right after I prayed to God(god) appreciating saving my life from illness, and declared that  if I see someone in trouble, I would do "anything" to help.  Who would know my prayer was listened unless there was many hidden camera and bugs in my apt?( I am kidding here) it was just too weird "coincidence"for sure.

I learned a lot about "Christianity" this year especially when someone changed the word " Greg" into "Craig" on my web search.

not sure.what is list thing about? no one really explained that to me.I am here not to encourage reading too much into bible,so I have been in such a trouble.  And I feel many Christian took advantage of my faithful nature imposing this living environment for long.  Please stop that.  If its based on my conscious decision, I would like to help you ALL.

What I know is that this my living environment does not allow me to make conscious decision of my own much knowing things when I do want to
In case you all care what  I choose, here is my conscious answer:

If anyone designed this my living environment "consciously" playing God on me? whether,a person or an organization? they should declare they are the guy and please  leave me alone.If that is the case, they are the first one to be eliminated from my world. restore everything they stole and took away from me and leave me alone.
I have been taking such pain living this life. I know that my info were all over online or other media both clothed or naked.(maybe) And I am a woman who feel depressed when raping takes place on me or anyone, yet many think I am tough enough like man of Jesus to put up such torture?
I know and feel that way every day  despite the gag order in the community I live.  I know that gag order is to  protect whoever ruined my right as human, who distributed the image and things. from the cameras and bugs planted in my apartment and outside are supposed to be my "paranoia" and everybody knows me everywhere because of my "paranoia" so no one have to believe what I say and write.  All of these put me in such uncomfortable life environment and making me so distrustful about people,yet they want me to be the one who is crazy and wrong so they can manipulate me and God? in old better method of Christianity?

whoever saw that and felt justified believing I deserved this living condition, those should be next to be out of my world.  Yes those Japanese  who believed that strongly, I am talking about you here


For the rest,I have no name to collect  or distribute any "free stuff"other than contents on this blog  but I am giving the answer and if you understand the intention and real meaning,I think you are already "in"
It really is autopilot by non physicals.  I don't get to say much and I am not happy with both.
angels did not take human forms, and the manifestation takes humans form? not sure.  It always takes non physical form  guiding us each.  Surely based on conscious decision, ANYONE can act like or behave,and even live like an angel if choose to do so by the conscious and, unconscious decision,but I know that most would not do that. It is hard. it is not easy  to do the right thing yet we all could do our best time to time.  That is where real blessing lies.
So here is second chance to each to  make conscious decision on your own.  If I give you one, maybe I get another to survive? maybe.

 all I can say is thank you for those who come talking to me,even just hi, taking such a chance to do so in this world?  all I know is that you had nothing to hide from me and it  felt good just itself. So thank you.


Having such hard time trusting people lately. It is getting harder to trust nonphysical,too.
because if one act of helping were to be wrong decision of mine, I would have never had the revelation.  Yet I did and all I witnessed was plan to protect those who betrayed me and all I feel is deception to hide the wrong doing as if it all was my fault  and all I see in people is image of Jesus,sometimes, his name,cross, sometimes love,sometimes anger and frustration which I have trouble figuring out
So I keep asking What really is going on?
Where really is the  Jesus at?
Chaos and nightmare got so big that no way fixing,so heading to self destruction?
thats how I feel. Having hard time praying appreciating God.  Yet I don't know what really is going on.

I always know what I wanted entire my life.   I wanted to live in environment feeling free and safe. safe to say things I feel, safe to get up in the morning without crying, safe enough to cry whenever I want to, safe to laugh without upsetting anyone safe to share good thing without being afraid of getting betrayed or stolen, safe to say hi, safe to say bye to anyone whenever I encounter. safe to be anywhere wherever without making anyone afraid of me  or feeling uncomfortable.  I found that. I had everything I ever wanted at one point of my life. I was healed from all the wound of life and thought I could be better, more powerful person, and  when I started caring about other people's happiness before mine, I lost  most valuable thing in my life because of all of you who didn't know the true value of things..  any animals are more lovable and understanding things than what I see in people ?


the life  I live is life deprived all the security I feel and love I found in my entire life.
 If this is the idea of your Christianity, I would gladly share this life with all of you in one form or another if that is your asking. things to do with the list or not.core of everything used to be love, but they took away from me.  What do you expect?
I would like to know how and what happened while I was putting up this torture all alone.
My door is always open for people who want to discuss things.
 most anything, I need time to recover,  I need true rest and trust to people  to be restored.  Please help me.


 this is   my dare and also crying out for help

I believe people's life is valuable than other animal's life in many ways though it does not mean those animal's life values less. It is just different and life is valuable just itself and being a human,really is privilege if you know the true value of things that exist in this whole  world.

Gamble to be paid?

Gamble to be paid?

I started to believe where you are born and how horoscope is written are part of life plan as intended before the birth.

My recent realization  was that I was born to raise the bottom of Buddhism teaching. I was born in Japan where Buddhism teaching was dominant, where real Christianity had no root to grow good. Yet both case was prepared from the beginning in case one failed before the other.

The real gamble was whether Japan as country could do the right thing or not. As Buddhism dominated country, its teaching is about putting value on life itself, but irony is historically, suicide,killing self is considered to be justified and beautiful to protect superficial justification in this country. The sham was more dominant than life itself in this country. True meaning of life was neglected for long. teaching of Abraham was prepared to benefit to the both. When I found the teaching of Abraham, all I wanted to do was to be a translator to introduce their work to Japan. Although it seems to be an insurance to whichever it fail or excel, I believe it was idea prepared to spread being part of my life,being part of my life learning and achievement. It really means teaching of “Nonphysical”

In the year 2001,I had a surgery and Japan made a mistake making decision about concept of life and humanity. They just wanted to take advantage of things, in order to control things based on their non physical reading being read,yet their expectation was based on “BEFORE the “mistake” was carried out And they are still believing the mistake was “hidden”or didn't happen so they believe they deserve the benefit I might be able to provide if they could manipulate enough secretly and control to own people. To me, gag orders do not really mean much when I want to know something.The answer is that Buddism just cannot support the action no matter what.

In June, 2007, I had two job opportunities on the exact same day, after long recovery from the illness and rehabilitation. It was my beginning of my story finding Jesus itself and the story and agony is still ongoing. One job I applied was a job that allows me to work both US and Thailand where Buddhism teaching was dominant, another was store that was purely based on US. I was rejected by first one and employed by the second one. And yes, there was many “coincidence” that were related to Christianity from here, and I was led to the teaching of Abraham and was started taking unexpected journey of Christianity unknowingly . It was created by some other people, and it was the journey that was made out of people's wrong decision making. I was so blinded to figure out how people could live and act in a way taking advantages of things.

As far as I know, if Japan didn't make the “mistake”, my life path was totally different benefiting more people and myself in different ways.

I just followed guidance that existed withing me, and I am standing here writing this.

Well, the mistake was made, and I have been in my search to do the right thing to my heart. I feel I was betrayed by both religions, all the friends and family.

As my learning about Christianity, First it seems to be  about deception and lies? In order to control and to take advantage of situations and environment without getting caught. I guess Japan finally got the part of Christianity right? practice that to me for the first time was my bad luck as it seems when they had the opportunity to do so, Life sometimes really is filled with irony and sadness like this

Yes I am the fish caught by Christianity after thrown away from Buddhism by the simple mistake. despite the gag order and secrecy, I believe my inner being knows “everything” if I see one thing, that tells me more than a few possibility of fact. Many people might have been killed because of what I said and did? What I came to learn is that I have put too much trust on too many people. And there were many people who lost gamble believing I was the one who is blind about people and religions. I started to believe that spiritually blind people should not follow their heart, My advice to you all is do all that at your own risk. Sad fact is even if you doing things perfectly right, out of pure good intention, there is always hole to be fell and trap to be caught because no one is that strong or perfect all the time.

What if Japan didn't make mistake?

what I see is that President Obama was not elected and another president from bush family would have ended Christianity “naturally” It probably was autopilot both politically, religiously, socially, internationally,and It probably was at the individual level also. Well, but Japan did make mistake,so I ended up working for “change” to survive” I haven't felt the “love” for a long time. It was deprived from my experience and everyday, I feel constantly wanna kill myself, yet people just wonder why feel this way,so I am explaining Its because all I feel is depression about deception, lies, control and manipulation and gag orders. There used to be misunderstanding and bad luck involved,but I am not sure any more. Sometimes, people's love,  messing, making love, F ing, started perceived as all same to me which is not so good for my soul or my sense of being who I am and I am seeking my environment change for quite long time.
I am always hard worker.never been a good gambler.